Pardon Me - Incubus

... cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from the burdens of the planet Earth. like gravity, hypocrisy,and the perils of being in 3-D...

This morning I awoke thinking positively wanting to have a good day at work. I'm on work day 6. Being promoted and all has it's perks. Better wage, welcomed responsibility and the chance to be a leader in your work place. Although we may never see the fruits of our labour being a produce clerk. I still feel great after a long and productive day at work. But today was diffrent. Right off the bat at 10:30am on a beautiful Saturday morning the world comes crashing down. Or at least the produce department on Country Hills Boulevard in the Royal Oak community. One thing after another keeps coming in my direction. Problems, lazy work ethic and no desire to commit to the work that pays to keep your belly full and your bank account a float.

I felt like I was the only guy in the store trying to keep things going.

$500 dollars worth of raspberries crash to the floor, squished, damaged and made into juice on the warehouse floor.

The responses were:

"Ah don't worry Mark, it's not your money."

"Why do you care so much?"

"Who cares we can just throw these back into their packages and the customers won't know the difference."

I was pretty steamed. I didn't know how to react to such selfishness. To my defense, I know it's not my money and $500 dollars to the Sobeys company really won't hurt the thousands of dollars spent on a daily basis at my store. But I do my best to help the hand the feeds me. I do what I can, cause my manager takes care of me. And in turn I do my best to help him have a better department.

After all that, I just got complaint after complaint. I found myself swimming in a swell of selfishness. I was being selfish for not understanding my staffs complaints and just wanting them to shut up and do the work. I was surrounded by selfish motives and selfish attitudes.

I had to take a break from all of it. I went to lunch.

As I look long and hard out the McDonald's window, sipping on my Coke. I realize how selfish I am. How the world is so encompassed in itself. How each person takes. And takes some more. I'm accusing the world. But I stand in front of it all. I am the first to stand in front and say "Yes I am selfish." I seek attention when not needed. I horde all that I can. I pass the beggar. I pass the collection plate. I look to my comforts before others. I make myself look better than the guy next to me. I do all that I can to get in front and stay in front so the world can't beat me.

I was reading Tims blog on being alien to this world. "Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices."

Sin has stained the whole of mankind. My (if I can make it mine) theology tells me that Sin has tainted all of mankind. We are all born into sin because Adam sinned before God in the garden, which in turn marred all because we are connected with Adam. The world becomes alienated to God. The creator is diverted from his creation. Thus the birth of Christ, His sacrifice and His resurrection. The alienation becomes destroyed and the fellowship between creator and creation through Christ blood and sacrifice on the cross is restored.

Sin has been conquered but his people must contend on the daily basis with the after affects of sins impact.

This is where my dilemma comes into play. I'm frustrated. Pardon me but I am combusting inside hating myself, hating the world and wishing the world would come to a pass. There is so much suffering and so little compassion. So much consumption and so little benevolence. There is to much me and so little you.

I am the first to be found guilty. I cannot exclude myself from the boat of freeloaders. Today I hate myself. Today I really asked myself, "Why God would love us?"

It's a long road

It's a long road. I don't know how long? How wide? How narrow? It's not always smooth. A few bumps a long the way. Sometimes I hit holes so large, even with time a preparation you just can't avoid them. I confess to my dashboard as I drive along this road that my hearts been aching. This long road tirelessly wears me down. The edges of my complex smooth out, but this smoothness dulls me. Sections of the road I wish to speed on faster, hoping for a quick and painless transition from desert to forest. But those valleys slow me down, taking me into deep dark places where my fears rest to prey on me. It's a long road. Theres no denying that. What will be at the end. No one knows.

Facebook the dating game, Voice Imodulation

Just some quick thoughts...

I was talking to a friend about how funny it is that people on facebook so quickly update their relationship status on their profile. "Shooter Magee and Sarah Lee are now in a relationship". If it's on facebook it's official. "Hey world and all my network friends I'm not single anymore." As I type this I'm thinking I might get a few comments posted for maybe being jealous that I myself cannot update my status on facebook. "Go right ahead" but I'm completely alright with that. And take no offence to this post/thought either. But I think it is quite amusing at the fact that once you have changed your profile status it has truly become official.

Recently I was browsing the Youtube site looking for videos on Brooke Fraser.

Brooke on some tv show:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3rUgNMDtYg

Interviews, music videos etc. One particular video was of this guy sitting in his room covering "Deciphering me" by Brooke.

See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf-ApECozcc

He made this mock video of him filming himself and other various shots of his pictures, him in the bathroom (God knows why) and random footage. Lately I've been playing some mean guitar looking for some inspiration, imitating my latest and favorite rock artist. And I thought, "people film themselves a lot and post'em on Youtube, why can't I?" So I decided to just play a couple songs, record them and see how it sounds.

Bad idea.

You know how you listen to a recording of yourself on a answering machine? And your first thought is "That's not how my voice sounds like." Well what I hear through my ears when I'm singing is not what I heard on the recording I made. I was disgusted.

This is what the American and Canadian Idol judges are thinking when they ask the auditioners if they can hear themselves singing and actually think the are good.

My voice to me sounds when I hear it. But on a recording it's terrible. I don't know if I can sing in public again ... dun dun dun!

Today: I got a haircut. I don't know if I'll ever be content after I get a hair cut.

A slow dance - Explosions in the sky

I'm tired. Do you ever have those days when you feel like there is no one around. You have no one to talk to. There is so much to do and so little time. And there is no solid answer anywhere to be found. But somewhere along the way. You get this feeling. Or something happens. You see it. Acknowledge it. And it comes over you. Today I had lunch with a friend. Fixed my car. Danced a bit in secret to Amy Winehouse. Ate some solid food for once. Played softball. And saw some firmilar faces along the way. And after it was all said and done. I drove down 1A West Crowchild. The setting sun gracefully bowing down for the night sky to takes it's place in this part of the world. The cool air blowing through the crack I've made in my window. And the silence of the pur that my fixed muffler makes. And as I pass the last set of lights before I turn off. It comes over me. I know in that moment that there is God. Coming over me, reminding me that:

It's not that others aren't
but this one I know for sure
Your touch, too real, too warm
Your words, too loud to ignore
Too often I overlooked
these moments with you by my side
When absence leads to loss
it's me who's left alive
This moment is you (I'm on my knees again)
This moment is you (completely helpless)
This moment is you (can you restore me?)
This moment is you (bring peace and healing)
Matt Wertz

Weekends - The Perishers

I know sometimes people look at your past and know exactly how you are going to be. The apple never falls far from the tree. But I will never be like you. Some nights I lay awake wishing I was and always on my own. Because you have a made me a shadow with nothing to follow. Laying cheek down on the cold kitchen floor. Resting, exhausted from all the arguing and pointless conversation under our breath. I am not restrained from who I am or who I have grown up to be. I am someone new. Reborn. Never looking to the past as a crutch, "This is who I am and this is all I will ever be." No thats not me. I will never be you. I sometimes mutter words of hate and selfless thought. It creeps up like a lion after its prey. I slowly combust and I stand left to pick up the pieces after I slowly burn away. I don't know if it will ever change. But I will change and vow never to be like you. There is an exit and I'm going to take it.

To west Texas - Explosions in the sky

Twenty six. It doesn't feel any different. Replace the five for a six. No younger, no older. I may go to bed earlier. Staying up late is only an option if tomorrow is convenient. Getting older is something I don't look forward to or dread. I'm only looking at how far the road has gone and where this new road is going. Many friends along the way, some important, some unimportant. New places discovered, a new home to make comfortable. All in all I can't say I'll ever be content. But content is how I feel at the moment. I know new sights and sounds are at the horizon. I know and promise to be more daring. To live more for my destiny wherever that might take me. Write more, write a few songs along the way. Run or Jog whatever gets the job done. Take that trip to Europe or road trip till money runs out. Surf the waves of Fiji or Tofino once again. Read all of Donald Millers books, even if it takes me my whole life to read them. Drink less coffee and more tea. Green. Be less angry and more anti-emo (ha ha). Finish school. Sponsor. Pour water from a pitcher and overflow some cups. Live the simple life. That's all I want.

Do you know what it's like...

... when you stand in a room full of people but still feel alone? Can you comprehend when silence is sound to you? Can you understand fully what it means to be put out on your own? To do life walking alone? What about when the walls have been built up brick after brick, that they are so high that sitting at the dinner table asking for the salt could cause world war 3. What happens to the forgotten amidst the shadow of hate, insecurity and fear? Do you know what it's like to have to come to the realization that being alone can only feel comfortable? Do you know what it's like to never truly trust anyone? Not even the ones you are closest too. What happens then? I once heard someone say "I'm not lonely, I'm just alone". Do you know what it's like?

But maybe you are full of appointments? Maybe it's so hard to keep track of friends and acquaintance's. Too many friend requests, too many social events, too many places to be, to many people to meet. Maybe you don't know what it's like to know what it's like to be me? But when you go home and sit from the busyness of the social migration from once came. You do know what it is like. Because you fill your life with temporary after thoughts of empty pseudo friendships. Only to find yourself alone continuing to fill that gap with bittersweet reconsideration. Do you know what it's like ... I think you might?

(disclaimer: this is not about me. I was listening to explosions in the sky and this just spilled out. Maybe parts of this is me. But I had this more or less spill out just because. Don't worry folks. I've just got my writing itch back.)

Day Three: T3 would be perfection

Day 3: Road to recovery...

The annoying pain is still there. I awoke with a headache. I can only think it's because of the throbbing pain of the swollen gums. I upped my dosage of Tylenol 3's today to two. I really didn't want to. Because T3 are laced with codeine which is a narcotic. I was a little apprehensive due to the fact that I use to see patients walk into the clinic begging for a prescription. They can be addictive. But man did the double dose really take the pain away. Every six hours I have to take my antibiotic to avoid any infection. So along with that I take a Ibuprofen and a T3. But the second and third round of T3's I just took one today. I just really needed for the pain to go away this morning.

So the swelling is better. I think? Tomorrow I've got to go back to work. I've got to face the public with this face. I almost feel like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. But regardless, this will pass too.

I'm a little disgruntled at the fact that I missed a lot of the sunny weather that has been kickin around Calgary. I've lived like a hermit for the last 3 days.

Movies over the weekend (out of five)

The Unknown 2.5 - A typical who dun it.
The King 2.5 - A disturbing/thriller
The Painted Veil 3 - I quite enjoyed this film
Breaking and entering 2 - Jude Law is the same in every movie he does.

Currently listening to -
Amy Winehouse - Rehab remix feat Jay Z
Brooke Fraser - Albertine
Hawksley Workman - You are too beautiful
Tokyo Police Club - Citizens of tomorrow

On the tube -
Smallville Season finale - I actually saw this on the web. But it was a amazing finale. can't wait for season 7

Well I guess that's all the self advertising for now. Back to work tomorrow.

I'll make him an offer he can't refuse

Day 2 - Suffering from discomfort and swollen even more.

Yesterday I made a trip out to Dr Kroetsch office for my extraction of my 2 lower wisdom teeth. I was early (30 mins). I chatted with the lady at the front and she told me how she felt bad for taking $600 plus dollars to extract teeth. In my head I thought how about how I am spending $600 to have someone afflict pain. I quickly sat down open my book. Through Painted Desert by Donald Miller. I quite enjoy this book. I laughed and share small chuckles with the people that surround me.

An hour later the nurse calls my name. "David Mark?" It never fails I say to myself. I simply smile and she quickly corrects herself "Oh sorry. Mark David ... Two first names, you must always get that." "Yup" as I smile and walk behind her. So as I walk into this large room, I was expected the usual dentist chair. But it was an actually surgery bed. I really didn't take this extraction to be surgery. But I guess with the freezing and scalpel and drill it was going to be a good old fashion surgery. I didn't feel nervous. The several needle shots to the lower gums didn't hurt till the last one. I guess the doctor hit a nerve and the pain shot from the gum right through my tongue and it hurt like someone putting a needle straight through my tongue. They left me for 20 mins to let the freezing do it's thing. At first I was worried that it wasn't enough. I could still feel my face. But I spoke to soon. It felt like my lower lip was SUPER UBER fat, my tongue had occupied my whole mouth and at first I had trouble swallowing the pool of saliva that was forming. I thought to myself that "I could die here on this bed from my own saliva and I wouldn't be able to call out for help".

The doctor told me to relax as he arrived with the nurse. He spoke to me asking me questions. But I had these instruments jammed in my mouth. How was I to answer? I hate that.

And the extraction began...

The right one was no problem. A drill here. A drill there. A tug and it was out. The left one was the big problem. It just didn't want to come out. My whole surgery was all because of the left one. 5 minutes for the right one and 30 minutes for the left one. But it was done. Both teeth were extracted and my mouth was a bloody mess. I couldn't even feel the blood on my lips or around the mouth. The nurse had to wipe it for me.

And now at present. I look like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. I use to look like Chadder the chipmunk. But now because of the 30 min onslaught on my left side. I am totally swollen around the jawline. The right side has evidence of swelling but nothing compared to the left side. I don't look symmetrical at all.

As for my weekend. I will spend it hidden in my basement. Playing The godfather on my PS2. Watching movies upon movies. And managing my pain with Lenoltec #3 with Codine, Ibuprofen and novo pen vk.

In other mindless news...

I've been away lately from blogger. But I'm back. I've notice another one of my friends have joined the blogger community. Welcome Deeds, still don't know if you read this. Tim I notice you commented this on your most recent blog. I wonder if you will be making the jump.

I've been posting most of my blogs. On my notes in facebook. But I'm back folks.